As someone who can and has achieved orgasm without touching herself, or only by needing just a bit of friction to come really hard, believe me when I say that it isn’t sex. Why? Because, orgasm isn’t the point of sex. To me, it’s altogether different. Barbara Carrellas was recently featured on TLC’s mini-series “Strange Sex” for her ability to think her way to orgasm. Yay. Now she tells us that anyone is capable of teaching others to think your way through orgasm? Okay. I only watched the trailer for the show but I have read about this and experience it on rare and unexpected occasions.
My problem is not with the act of thinking your way to orgasm. Kudos to Carrellas and whoever can do this on command. However, my big beef is with the “spiritual” shit that we inject into this very pointless exercise. And it is pointless. Make no mistake. You can do it all day long but it’s ultimately pointless. And here’s why.
1) Um… last time I remembered sex wasn’t about orgasm. If I masturbate but don’t cum, is that still sex? If I fuck my partner and neither of us come, was it still sex? The answer is yes. As Carrellas showed us, an orgasm can be all mental, but that doesn’t mean you’re exercising any of your genital orgasms. It just means you’re thinking very hard and luckily thinking hard finally has a reward: Orgasm. That’s not sex. The orgasm is awesome but not essential, important, or even required for any sexual experience.
2) I can’t touch myself? Now why the FUCK would I want to find a reason not to touch myself? Sure, it’s cool to orgasm. But, I’ve done it enough to know there’s not much else you’re gonna get out of it. Sure, you’ll have big ones, small ones, violent ones. I just don’t understand how a mental orgasm is any better than touching yourself. Touch, especially self-touch is soooo important. Knowing how to be touched, what turns your body on, and even exploring the sexual limitations (or lack thereof) of one’s entire body is most exciting to me than thinking my way to orgasm. Fuck, let me tell you a story.
I’ve been suffering gastritis up the wazoo, and today was the worst. I was in complete head to toe pain and could only eat tiny bits of a tortilla chip at a time. Of course, I know that when I’m stressed I can masturbate (not orgasm, masturbate). So, I got on my favorite chikan porn and I used my fingers at first. MAN was my clit so sensitive. I was so afraid to touch her because the rest of my body seemed to fail. I cried because I had to pull my hand away. But, I went back to her, rubbed her til I reached a point where I felt like cumming, and finished with a vibe. The orgasm wasn’t important, the touch was. I needed to feel (not think) that intimacy.
Sex without touch isn’t sex to me. It isn’t.
3) All I see this being is another fucking trend, one in which women feel like this is an alternative to sex… IT’S NOT SEX! *ahem* Sorry Tourette’s, I swear. Remember the squirters? How many of you bitches wanted to squirt that pussy? Yeah, you bought the bullshit that it may have some healthy or even exciting benefits to it, but quite frankly some women will never learn how. Nor do they need to. Because, squirting, like thinking your way to orgasm, is a parlor trick. And, quite frankly, why are these somehow (squirting, thank God, isn’t taken as seriously anymore) taken seriously over Belladonna shoving a baseball bat up her ass surprises me.
My worst fear: Some chick who once thought herself to orgasm now feels like she might have to fake it when she doesn’t reach her Oh-ful nirvana or becomes too frustrated when she can’t. Ugh!
This brings me to my next rant, which is really why I’m just pfft about this whole orgasm bullshit. There are plenty of fun, wondrous sexual superpowers that our bodies are aware of or that we learn through experience. Some can squirt. Some just rather skip all of that (okay) and go straight to the ending, others can take three dicks (or dildos or hands) in one hole. Awesome! What I find interesting is how certain tricks are suddenly soooo “spiritual” while others are left in the dust. I truly wonder if Belladonna’s baseball ass insertions would fit well next to Carellas’s class on thinking orgasms. Why is one considered spiritual over the other? Because you’re using your brain? Belladonna is a smart lady; she has to be if she needs to figure out how to safely shove a stick up her bum.
Because “spiritual” or tantric sex is a trend, one that often connotes a pretentious “holier than thou” environment that makes other, equally nonsensical sexual acts seem disgusting.. mostly because they’re in porn. I like the explanation of it in this article, though he does try and sell you a class at the end so it’s best to look up various sources on what tantra really means… because I think spirituality is thrown around too often without anyone really asking what it means (like sex positivity).
One night at a networking party I spoke to a couple that teaches tantric sex. The fellow told me that they had a chance to teach tantric sex to some porn actors. I thought that was pretty cool because, hey, you don’t see the “tantric” method (whatever) used in adult films. But, the lady vehemently opposed it. I asked her why and she wouldn’t give me a straight answer. She just shook her head and said it wasn’t necessary and she didn’t want to be apart of something like that.
Hmmm… now of course they aren’t meant to represent the entire “tantric” community but c’mon. Don’t shit in an ice cream cone and tell me it’s a sundae. Judging by comments on sites like Dodsonandross and in other places, there’s already a pompous attitude taken towards porn, especially since we all love to say “Porn sex isn’t real sex.” Yeah, well, thinking your way to an orgasm isn’t real sex either and it isn’t safe.
It’s not safe sex. If Carrellas is teaching that, then she’s basically teaching an acceptable form of abstinence… because it’s soooo spiritual. Safe sex is masturbation. Safe sex is fucking somebody knowing you’re at optimal sexual health and hoping your partner is too; and if you don’t know then you need to put a rubber on it (fuck that ring, Beyonce).
Again, if there are girls who can do this, then awesome. There’s nothing wrong with orgasms. Let’s just be clear about where we’re learning it from and how it’s being taught to us, especially if you have to pay for it.
My advice: Just have more sex. Get dirty. Let your body respond and react, get wounded and heal. Get out of your head.
One word: Fanned! Yeah, I spend too much time at huffpost.
This is interesting, because I am familiar with sex through sound (which is kind of physical contact, because it’s a sound wave – but it is not bodily contact in the most basic sense. Great article, darling!